God Writes to His Ex
Jeremiah 2:1-3:5
After being dumped by Israel, the Lord was sitting drinking whisky and feeling sorry for himself. After a while, he called his prophet Jeremiah in so that he could dictate a letter to Israel.
‘Dear Israel,
‘How’ve you been? I haven’t been so good.
‘I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I remember when we were kids, how devoted you were. When we were first married, you loved me and followed me around like a lost puppy. I used to call you my sweet little peach, and I was jealous of anyone who took a bite of you, and I’d beat the shit out of them.’
The Lord wiped away a tear, ‘What did I do that was so bad for you to stray from me? You started seeing other gods behind my back. Did you even think of me at all? Don’t you remember that shit hole you were in when we first met? I’m the one who got you out of there!’
Jeremiah interjected, ‘You’re getting kind of whiny.’
The Lord continued, ‘When we first met, we used to go on long walks through the barren wilderness, through a land of deserts and ravines, a land of drought and utter darkness, a land where no one travels and no one lives. I brought you presents like fresh fruit and flowers, and you’d slaughter baby goats for me, which, as you know, always gets me in the mood; I love me some barbecue!’ The Lord giggled slightly, and then his voice grew stern, ‘But now you’ve just taken a big steaming dump all over that! You got your lawyers on me, and even turned the town council and the local clergy against me. So I am going to sue your ass. I will sue your children, and your children’s children!’
Jeremiah interjected again, ‘Dude, this is starting to sound kind of bitter. Nobody likes a jealous ex.’
The Lord ignored him and continued, ‘Just look at how happy our neighbours are. You don’t see them cheating on their gods. But you traded me in for other gods who aren’t even as half as glorious as I am. You should be ashamed of yourself. Be appalled at this, you heavens, and shudder with great horror!’
Jeremiah sighed, ‘You’re being melodramatic…’
‘Now just look at the mess you’ve got yourself into. Your apartment burned down. You’ve been burgled several times. Your house is a complete mess. The other day, I came by your backyard and there was a lion going through your bins. You’ve brought all of this on yourself! Your wickedness will punish you; your backsliding will rebuke you! Consider then and realise how evil and bitter it is for you when you forsake the Lord your God and have no awe of me!’
Jeremiah tried to speak, but the Lord just continued. ‘A few years ago, I even paid your bail when you got thrown in jail for soliciting sex. Apparently, you were spreading your legs on every hill and under every tree in the city! You can wash all you like, but there isn’t enough soap in the whole of Mesopotamia to make you clean after all the whoring you done!
‘How can you say, “I’m not a slut,” after you’ve run after anything with balls? And don’t get me started on the way you acted that night in the valley. You’re nothing but a fucking camel, running here and there! You pant after sex like a wild donkey! Any man looking for a slut doesn’t have to look very far when you’re around! You’ve taken so many cocks down your throat; it’s all chapped and dry!
‘But you said, “It’s no use! I love foreign gods, and I must go after them.” Hell, you’ve had as many gods as Judah has towns!
And now you’re suing me? You’re the one who left. I only locked you up and whipped you because you deserved it, but you didn’t learn your lesson. It’s not like I didn’t give you sex, but you said, “I’m leaving, and I’m not coming back.” And I know you still wear all that expensive jewellery I got you, but you’ve forgotten all about me.
‘You’re so good at being a slut; even the whore of Babylon could learn a thing or two from you! Yet, in spite of all this, you say, “I am innocent; why are you angry with me?”
But I am gonna sue your ass, and you know why? Because you refuse to admit that you were the one in the wrong!
‘I tell you, you’ll be sorely disappointed with the gods of Egypt and Assyria. None of them are as well hung as I am, and I can guarantee, if you try your shit in their countries, you’re going to end up in jail again sooner or later.
‘And now that we’re divorced, don’t you dare think that I’m going to take you back. After all the screwing around you’ve been doing? Is there anywhere you haven’t dropped your knickers? Don’t think I haven’t seen you standing by the roadside chewing gum, waiting for Johns. You are nothing but a brazen hussy, and the worst part of it is, you’re not even ashamed!
‘And you’ve even had the gall to call me up and say, “I’m sorry Daddy, don’t be angry. You know you can’t stay mad at me.” Yeah, you talk all sweet, but actions speak louder than words!
‘Love and kisses,
‘The Lord God Almighty.
Now Jeremiah read that back to me.’
Jeremiah walked away shaking his head, ‘You’ve got issues, dude.’
