MisreadBible

Every human in Christendom liked Christmas a lot,

But Jesus, who art in Heaven, did not!

Jesus hated Christmas, the whole Christmas season!

Now, please don’t ask why; no one quite knows the reason.

‘I’ll tell you why!’ Jesus Christ interrupted.

‘The whole goddamn festival has been corrupted!

It’s all about spending, and money, and greed,

Begging some bearded fat guy for stuff they don’t need!

‘Both religious and secular engage in profanity,

Forgetting I died for the sins of humanity!

‘And the worst part of all, I hasten to say,

All of this takes place on the wrong fucking day!

I was born in the springtime, not bloody December!

At the very least, you’d think my flock would remember!

‘I’ll make them all sorry, just you wait and see,

I’m the reason for the season, it’s all about me!

They’ll soon change their tune in the fire, infernal.

They’ll learn that the wages of sin are eternal!

The humans, young and old, greatest to the least,

Will be tossed into Hades and brought to the Beast!

‘And they’ll shriek squeaks and squeals, making desperate appeals.

As demons drive jingtinglers into their heels.

They’ll break their floofloovers. They’ll smash their garduckas.

They’ll shove red hot whohoopers right up their tuchus!

There’ll be gnashing of teeth as they hang them on hooks,

And then they’ll make ear-splitting noises, gadzooks!’

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!

Jesus got a wonderful, awful idea!

‘I’ve put up with this bullshit for centuries, and how!

Why wait till the afterlife? I’ll punish them now!

And the best way to put the fear of God in the masses

Will be to go Old Testament on all their asses!’

And he chuckled, and clucked, ‘What a great Christy trick!

I must second-come, and I’ll second-come quick!’

He pulled on his halo; his wings started to grow,

And zipped like a comet to the world far below.

He arrived in the first of the towns he would judge.

And walked through the snow-covered streets with a trudge.

To wreak Christmas havoc and satiate his grudge.

‘This is stop number one,’ the old Messiah hissed,

As he stood on the roof, with his hands balled in fists.

Then he slid down the chimney, a rather tight fit.

Then remembered he could teleport and muttered, ‘Oh, shit!’

There in the living room; now, what did he see?

There were garlands, and tinsel, and gifts, and a tree.

He spied all their stockings, hung up by the fire.

‘Capitalist bullshit!’ he hollered in ire.

He ripped up the streamers and chopped down the tree.

He smashed all the baubles, and he giggled with glee.

He ate the cookies for Santa and drank all the milk,

And set fire to the Elf on the Shelf and his ilk.

He slunk house to house like a vengeful Kris Kringle,

Wrecking all that was festive and all that would jingle.

He tore down the fairy lights, he deflated the Santas,

He buried plastic reindeer right up to their antlers.

He demolished snowmen and kicked someone’s cat,

And, just for good measure, took a dump on their mat!

He crept into their houses without even knocking.

Stomping on presents, putting coal in their stockings.

He pissed on the tree, dousing each little smidgen,

Then he heard a small sound like the caw of a pigeon.

He turned around fast, and he saw a small girl!

Little Cindy-Lou Smerl, with a pretty gold curl.

She stared at the Messiah and said, ‘Jesus Christ, why,

Why are you peeing on our Christmas tree? Why?’

But, you know, that Jesus was so smart and so slick,

He thought for a moment, and then spat, ‘Sod off!’

The sweet little tot was quite shocked and appalled.

Tears welled in her eyes, and she started to bawl!

‘Oh, crap!’ he muttered, in patent dismay.

Then he pointed behind her and scarpered away.

Now on with his rampage, he sent locusts and flies.

He resurrected the turkeys and scoffed all the mince pies!

He turned eggnog to water, and nutcrackers to salt.

Nothing could stop his Yulicidal assault!

Then somewhere behind him, there arose such a clatter,

He spun ‘round on his heel to see what was the matter.

Before him stood a jolly old man dressed in red,

Who was covered in soot from his toes to his head.

He had a white snowy beard and a huge, rotund gut

That shook when he laughed, just like Cardi B’s butt!

‘Jesus Christ!’ yelled the Messiah, leaping with fright.

‘Santa!’ called the bearded man. ‘No, wait, that’s not right… ’

‘Get your own house, Nick!’ snapped Jesus in spite.

‘I’m doling out biblical vengeance tonight!’

‘You’ve been a very naughty Messiah, my boy!’

Said Santa. ‘This time of year’s about spreading joy!’

‘It’s supposed to be my day, you fat bearded tit!

But these damned wicked heathens are ruining it!’

But Santa just chuckled and gave a warm sigh,

‘Oh, Jesus, you’re wrong, and I’m telling you why.

This day’s not about you or your magical birth;

‘Tis the season for giving, and sharing, and mirth.

The meaning of Christmas is quite different, you’ll find.

Now climb in my sleigh, Christ, and I’ll change your mind.’

The reindeer rushed forwards, the toboggan took flight,

Whisking Saint Nick and Jesus off into the night.

Now in a shopping mall, a magical scene

Of silver bells, red bows, and garlands of green.

Fairy lights twinkled softly, like stars in the night.

There were doors decked with holly; windows frosted with white.

And there in the centre, a magnificent tree,

Topped with a gold star. What a sight to see!

With holiday shoppers, the aisles were abustle,

Buying last minute gifts in rather a hustle.

‘I see capitalism is alive and well!’

Muttered Jesus, ‘These bastards have bought time in Hell!’

Then he pondered a second, and he had a thought:

Nobody could see him, and he couldn’t get caught!

So, he stole a man’s hat and danced ‘round him with glee.

Singing, ‘Keep away, keep away! You’ll never catch me!’

The man yelled, ‘Grow up!’ And punched him square in the mug.

He fell flat on his arse and grumbled, ‘Humbug!’

‘This is not A Christmas Carol!’ snickered Saint Nick.

‘And I’m not a Yuletide spirit. You’re just being thick!’

He led Jesus on to a little toy vendor.

‘Now here’s something,’ said Santa, ‘heart-felt and tender.’

A lady was clutching a sweet baby dolly.

‘A gift,’ began Kringle, ‘for her little girl Molly.

The child fell in love the moment she saw it,

But her mother, sadly, could scarcely afford it.

She’s scrimped, and she’s saved what she could from her pay,

For her daughter to unwrap by the fire Christmas Day.’

‘Big deal!’ complained Jesus. ‘It’s still materialistic.

It’s covetous, commercial, and quite atheistic!’

‘You really don’t get it,’ Santa sighed in dismay.

Then he led him back outside, and they boarded his sleigh.

They landed near a house, all decked out with lights.

There were snowmen and reindeer, a quite festive sight.

‘Oh, they have fairy lights? Wow, what a shocker!

And what’s this?’ sniped Jesus. ‘A wreath on the knocker!’

Saint Nicholas ignored him, and opened the door,

They walked to the kitchen; this is what they saw.

The table was set with a runner, ornate.

And the family were gathered, each with their plate.

There was turkey, and stuffing, and turnip, and mash,

And gravy, pigs in blankets, and a dish of Who-Hash!

There were green beans, and cranberries, and big stinky sprouts,

And cabbage, roast potatoes, and parsnips laid out.

There was Yule log, figgy pudding, and an iced Christmas cake,

And mince pies piled so high that the table might break!

‘Those gluttons!’ yelled Jesus. ‘Such excess and waste!

The brimstone in Hades will have a more pungent taste!’

He leapt to the table, quite deftly and quick,

And he picked up the turkey and gave it a lick.

The family gawped at him in abject disgust.

Two aunties fainted, and the grandfather cussed:

‘What the fuck are you doing to the poultry, you perv?

Get your plums out the pudding, and step off the hors d’oeuvres!’

‘I forgot they could see me… ’ the grinchy Christ groused.

‘Not one word was uttered when we entered the house.’

‘You see, the lesson here is—’ began Santa Claus.

‘Get out!’ fumed the father. And he tossed them outdoors!

Out on the front lawn, Santa got to his feet.

He dusted off his fur hat and rubbed his bruised seat.

‘Though their children,’ he started, ‘no longer live near,

They fly home to spend Christmas together each year.’

‘Yeah,’ retorted Jesus, ‘and to stuff their fat face!

And what’s more, the heathens didn’t even say grace!’

Santa rolled his eyes and walked back to the sleigh.

Jesus followed, still seething, and they flew away.

The toboggan landed on the outskirts of town,

Where the buildings were shabby and the shops were rundown,

Near a community centre with windows alight.

A welcoming beacon in the cold of the night.

The trimmings were meagre inside, you’d agree;

Just a few paper chains and a small plastic tree.

There were tables and chairs, and a long bain-marie,

Where workers served dinners and hot cups of tea.

There, homeless people, both the young and the grey,

Sat together to eat on that cold Christmas Day.

‘Well, of course,’ stammered Jesus, ‘I applaud charity.

Good Christians helping the poor is quite pleasant to see.’

‘These people aren’t Christians,’ replied Santa Claus.

‘It doesn’t take religion to work for a cause.’

Jesus puzzled and puzzed till his puzzler was sore.

‘I guess,’ he said softly, ‘I never realised before.

Maybe they’re not all blasphemous sin-addled whores,

And Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more!’

And what happened then? Well, in the soup kitchen they say,

The Christ’s righteous anger waned three sizes that day.

Saint Nicholas smiled and said, ‘We have one more stop.’

And they dashed to the sleigh and got in with a hop.

They arrived in a town square with a grand Christmas tree,

Where people were gathered, singing this song with glee:

Fahoo jolly, fahoo holly,

Wholesome Christmas parody song,

Fahoo kindness, fahoo family time-ness,

Now it's Christmas, sing along!

Welcome Christmas, roma, roma-ma

Welcome Christmas, gaga, ooh-la-la

Jesus walked forwards with hands clutched to his ears.

His face had grown stern, he was almost in tears.

‘But Jesus,’ began Santa, ‘I still have much to impart.

These folks here are singing this carol from the heart!’