8-Balls Deep
1 Samuel 14
Despite winning his most recent battle, Saul wasn’t satisfied. He called his troops together and declared, ‘Nobody gets laid until I’ve avenged myself all over the Philistines! In fact, anybody who so much as pleasures himself will be executed!’
His army groaned, but Saul insisted until they reluctantly agreed.
25 Later that day, the army were scouting the woods when they discovered a beehive overflowing with honey. 26 They paid it no mind and went to march onwards, all except for Jonathan who took a bizarre interest in it. 27 Before anyone could say anything, he’d dropped his trousers and dipped his staff into the honeycomb. As he sank into its gooey innards, his eyes widened with delight.
28 ‘Hey!’ cried one of the soldiers. ‘What the fuck are you doing? Your father made us swear an oath that none of us would have sex until the war’s over! You’re going to get us all into trouble!’
29 ‘Leave the poor guy alone!’ objected Judd. ‘Just look at his little face.’
Jonathan gurgled dreamily.
‘He’s molesting a beehive!’ spat the soldier.
30 ‘Imagine how much better we’d all be doing if we indulged ourselves. We could have trounced the Philistines ten times harder if only we’d been allowed a little nookie!’
The soldier sighed and walked away shaking his head.
31 By evening, the Israelites had marched on and crushed the Philistines from Michmash to Aijalon, and plundered sheep, oxen, and cattle. 32 They were so hungry after the battle that they butchered the animals and ate them without draining their blood first.
33 One of the soldiers ran to Saul and squealed, ‘Those men are sinning! They’re eating meat that has blood in it!’
34 ‘They’re doing what?’ bawled Saul. ‘Bring me a large stone. If they’re going to eat the animals, they’re going to do it the civilised way: slitting the animal’s throat and letting it slowly bleed to death on a ritual altar!’
So, the men all left the improperly slaughtered animals and their meat and brought some oxen to slaughter at the altar. 35 This was Saul’s first altar, and he was pretty pleased with it.
36 After their meal, Saul declared, ‘Now, let’s go and kill us some Philistine scum!’
But Ahijah the priest interjected, ‘Have you asked for God’s permission?’
‘No,’ replied the king. ‘Am I supposed to ask his permission before every battle?’
‘Yeah!’
‘Oh, okay…’ groaned Saul. ‘God, if you’re up there, please tell me if I should attack the Philistines.’
There was no answer.
‘Hmm…’ sighed the priest. ‘Maybe somebody did something sinful today…’
‘Well duh!’ gibed Saul. ‘They ate meat with blood in it. But I stopped them and built an altar, so it’s fine.’
‘Maybe somebody committed another sin that you don’t know about…’
38 ‘Fine!’ huffed the king. ‘Everybody, line up, it’s time to confess your sins. 39 And even if it turns out that it was my son Jonathan who sinned by, say, fucking a beehive, the guilty party will die.’
All of his men queued up but none of them would admit to any wrongdoing.
40 ‘For fuck’s sake!’ exclaimed Saul. ‘This is getting us nowhere! Right, you soldiers stand over there, and my son and I will stand here.’
41 Then Saul got out his magic 8-ball and asked, ‘Was it one of us who sinned, or was it one of the soldiers?’
The magic 8-ball replied, ‘Ask again later.’
‘God damn it!’ yelled the king.
‘It has to be a yes or no question, Dad!’ objected Jonathan.
‘Maybe you should try praying to God again,’ suggested the priest.
‘He’s not answering! Let me try again. Did one of my soldiers sin?’
The 8-ball replied, ‘My sources say no.’
‘Did Jonathan or I sin?’
‘It is certain.’
42 ‘Did I sin?’
‘My reply is no.’
Saul took a big breath and asked, ‘Did Jonathan sin?’
The 8-ball replied, ‘Yes - definitely.’
43 The king turned to his son and barked, ‘What the hell did you do, you little shit?’
‘I dipped the tip of my cock in some honey. Now you’re going to kill me!’
44 ‘You’re bloody well right, I am!’ fumed his father. ‘If I don’t, God will kill me, and that’ll really screw up my plan to continue living!’ He called to his men, ‘Why didn’t any of you bastards tell me what happened?’
45 ‘Cut the kid some slack,’ replied the soldiers, ‘he killed all of those Philistines and helped secure our victory. Are you really going to kill him after that?’
‘But the honey… and the 8-ball…’ spluttered Saul.
The men stared at him resolutely.
‘Fine!’ grumbled Saul. ‘I’m done with this stupid war. Let’s go home.’
So, the Israelites stopped pursuing the Philistines, and the Philistines retreated to Philistia.
