Jonathan Uncut
1 Samuel 14
One day, King Saul’s son Jonathan got bored and went to his young arms bearer Judd and said, ‘Would you like to take a stroll outside of camp with me?’
‘Sure,’ beamed the arms bearer, ‘there’s bugger all to do around here.’
‘Cool, but whatever you do, don’t tell my dad.’
2 ‘How could I?’ cried Judd. ‘Isn’t he off in the outskirts of Gibeah living in a pomegranate tree?’
3 ‘Yes, in Mignon,’ replied Jonathan. ‘Him and six hundred of his men.’
‘Six hundred men in a tree?’ gasped Judd. ‘How big is this fucking tree?’
‘I dunno, but I’ve heard rumours that they’ve been there so long, Ahijah has gone stir crazy and started wearing a girdle…’
‘Well, he is a priest;’ interrupted Judd, ‘it’s part of his robe! His father Ahitub is the son of Phinehas, who’s the son of Eli, who’s a priest of Shiloh.’
‘I know who he is!’ spat Jonathan. ‘I don’t need his bloody life story! Anyway, he wears a girdle… and nothing else!’
‘Oh…’
4 So, the two men ventured out, and soon, they came to the edge of a mountain pass, 5 which separated the Israelite camp from the Philistines’. Jonathan began to climb down, but Judd objected, ‘We can’t go across there; the Philistine camp is right on the other side!’
6 ‘But that’s the whole point!’ declared Jonathan. ‘You’ve got to see these guys; they’re uncircumcised!’
7 ‘Really?’ replied Judd, his curiosity piqued. ‘Well, I’ve always wanted to blow a guy with a turtleneck…’
8 ‘That’s the spirit! When we get to the bottom, we’ll get close and expose ourselves to them. 9 If they don’t like what they see, we’ll leave; no harm, no foul. 10 But if they do like what they see, they’ll invite us up, and we’ll know that the Lord wants us to take them in our hands!’
11 So, the two men clambered down and presented themselves to the Philistines.
‘Look!’ cried the Philistines. ‘Those Hebrews are taunting us with their dicks!’ 12 They called down to Jonathan and his arms bearer, ‘Come up here, and we’ll show you where you can shove your bloody cocks! We’re going to pound the shit outta you!’
Jonathan turned to Judd and cheered, ‘Score!’
‘I can’t believe that worked!’ replied Judd.
Jonathan climbed up the cliff with Judd close behind him. When they reached the top, twenty Philistines were waiting with their swords at the ready.
‘Erm… I think I might have misjudged the situation…’ groaned Jonathan.
‘You think?’ retorted Judd.
14 The Philistines charged at them, but Jonathan and his arms bearer were skilled warriors, and they slaughtered each and every one of them.
As they left the scene, all bloodied and bruised, Jonathan turned to Judd and sighed, ‘If anyone asks, we’ll tell them it was a strategically planned sneak attack.’
